Want to Buy a Breastpump?

I'm conflicted. 

My beloved Kaya, who is now exactly 4.5 months old, is soon going to be a fully formula fed baby. My goal was to breastfeed for 6 months, so I've fallen short of what I would have considered success and way short of the 12 month goal that is currently recommended by most, if not all, pediatric associations. 

Now, considering Kieran was only breastfed (and not nearly exclusively at that) for 2 months, I guess I should feel good that I hung in for twice as long, but instead, I just feel guilty and selfish. I read the articles. I know the facts. It's the whole grass vs astroturf argument.  Natural vs synthetic. Formula, I'm sure was invented to save lives and not to make it easier for future mothers like myself to read email during feeding time. 

But people, the fact remains that I just don't enjoy it. Like, at all. 

Now I realize that, if I were a stellar mother,  my enjoyment should not matter.  What should matter is what is best for my child. But I'm being seduced by the bottle. Oh, how I love the bottle. (I'm talking baby bottles right now, the "I love wine" post will come later on.) And what is more...Kaya loves the bottle. If she so much as sees it out of the corner of her eye, her head whips around, excorcist-like, to stare at it. When I bring it close, she grabs the bottle with her little hands,  chomps down the nipple like it might get away and sucks away with what can only be describe as relief-tinged-joy which eases into total relaxation. This does not happen with breastfeeding. She is quite blase about breastfeeding...in fact, I'm sure that should she be able to articulate her thoughts she would be saying something like..."Mom, I can barely breathe down here...I think it's time to put those bad boys away." Or something like that. 

So, I have lasted almost four and half months. Let's call it almost five. In fact, by the time she is fully weaned, it might BE five months and which point I can start revising history to say I lasted "just over five months." See? That is the guilt is talking.

When I was struggling with Kieran, my mother, who had four perfectly healthy formula fed babies, said that in her day, breastfeeding was something "only poor people did." Times have certainly changed and I would agree, rightfully so. But for me, and for Kaya, I think our time is almost done. 

Bring on the wine.