Monday, June 8, 2009

Lights, Camera...That's my Baby!

So, you know how every time they interview the parents of some kid on American Idol they always say how their child has always loved to sing and, in fact, was singing before they could talk? If I thought much about that statement at all (which I usually didn't) I would have thought that was more or less impossible. We've all suffered through enough of those hideous audition shows to know that the ability to carry a tune is most definitely NOT a given.


Except, now I have that kid. Kaya, who still has not graduated much further past the already blogged about "Duh!" for duck, sings a semi- complete version of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star in baby gibberish - even mimicking the words. I noticed this late last week when she was sitting on the floor singing to herself. Now singing, I think for a 14-month-old, probably isn't ALL that unusual. Except then I thought for a second that I recognized the tune, but I dismissed it as sort of impossible. After all, despite me waving her bottle in her face 4 times a day and saying "Want your bottle? Say Bottle. Bottle. BOT-TLE. BOTTLE!" I can get this child to repeat almost nothing. So, I have more or less, sort of dismissed her as any sort of prodigy.


Then it happened again and again and again. And she did it for Eric too. She is most definitely singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Kieran is slightly put out since he considered that "his" song - but now they can sing it together.

Already, I'm thinking of taking her on tour, if anyone is interested. Or maybe we'll get our own show. Clearly there is massive money to be made by pimping out half-Asian toddlers. (I'm talking to YOU John and Kate...clearly your moment in the sun is nearly over.).


We just need to start working on her wardrobe (goodbye onesies and bucket hats, hello peekaboo sequin baby halter tops), stage presence (its never to early to learn to shake, shake, shake that booty). And I'm thinking maybe she needs a baby toupee (you know, the kind that everyone was accusing Tom Cruise of putting on his baby on the cover of Vanity Fair a few years ago). Right now, she looks more like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show than Beyonce.


Don't worry I'm on it, people. Rest assured, I will not squander this opportunity to make money off my child.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Deep Dark Secrets

So, I stumbled across a blog the other day. The title of post I landed on was something like True Confessions, and the writer was asking the readers to post anonymously their deepest secrets. Things that they might never admit to out loud. The results were kind of scary. The confessions ranged from the ever-popular-and-predictable "I'm cheating on my husband" to "My husband died last year and I am secretly glad."

There was the one that made me snicker: "I lied and told my high school boyfriend I was pregnant to try to trap him and instead he gave me $300 for an abortion. I took the money and went to Florida for Spring Break."

There were also quite a few that were neither mundane nor funny, just horrible. ("I feel my son is not supposed to be alive and I wonder if I am subconsciously going to a make this happen.") And some were extreme enough to make me wonder if they were fake. Well, nobody admitted to murder or any crime...the confessions were more of personal and/moral nature.

It made me think about what I would write and really, I don't have all that much, if anything these days. I will be the first to admit that I am quite boring (which might quality as a confession, but certainly isn't a secret. )

My own secrets might range from the food-related - something like "I let Kieran eat chips for breakfast" or "I have wine gums stashed in the freezer."

Or maybe my confession might be the relatively unattainable: "I know I have said I was finished having kids, but I would like to have (E-Host) Joel McHale's baby."

I don't know. I guess I'd be happier if every one's deepest secrets were letting their children eat crap for breakfast (You do, right?) or to have a D-List celebrity's baby. The world would undoubtedly be a better place. Funnier at least.